Jesus wasn't real!
*In keeping with tradition, this song, "Build My life," was playing as I wrote. Definitely loop this song while reading.*
Before kindergarten every day, my grandmother would anoint my head with olive oil. She would sometimes hold me on her lap and sing. I would cry. She had a beautiful voice. She didn't think so. But, if you could hear the way she sang, you would know what I mean. It was like she was singing about someone she knew personally. The one that I remember most profoundly was, "Were You There?" That's one of the last songs I recall my grandmother singing to me. She passed away when I was 10 years old.
My grandmother taught me about Jesus. She taught about him being crucified and rising again. I would go to church and come and tell her everything that I learned. She would say, "Oh, I didn't know that." Which, of course she did. We would read The Bible together and we would talk about people in The Bible. One conversation I remember us having was about why Peter wanted to be crucified upside down. She called another pastor (back when there were no cell phones), and we talked about it with her for a while.
My grandmother KNEW Jesus. It wasn't like he was an option, he was her life. Even when things weren't going well, she held on to Jesus and now at this very moment, She is with him and she will never, ever be parted from him ever again.
Don't dream about Heaven, it's too great to ever think of...
That's what my cousin used to say to me. When we were children, I was super close with Jimi. He and I would go on adventures together. We would ride bikes, build snow hills to sled down, and even hang out at church. I even kicked his teeth out once. It's a long story. However, my other cousin and I were journaling, having girl time under our respective blankets, and he would not leave us alone. So I kicked without looking. I kicked his teeth out. They were baby teeth, Thank God! His adult teeth grew in.
Jimi and I would talk about Jesus and how we wanted him to be our best friend. How it would be cool to hang out with Jesus everyday. He used to say, "Don't even think about what Heaven is like." I would say, "Why?" He would respond with, "Because, it's too big to ever think about. You'll never imagine it right." It wasn't a rebuke. It was always said in wonder and in awe. Of course we still talked about Heaven. But, we both knew that our imaginations weren't big enough.
One day, in the Summer of 2006, Jimi didn't have to imagine Heaven anymore. He was there. When I heard the news of his swimming accident, I crumpled to the ground in our hallway at home. I prayed that Jesus would bring him back. But, he didn't come back.
She played a prostitute...
It was 2002 and that's the first time I remember seeing Mrs. K. She was playing Rahab (Joshua 2) at a youth conference that I went to. She was amazing! I was 13 years old and desperate. I wanted to know Jesus personally. I had seen other people and they seemed to have a relationship with him. It was like they knew him personally. And I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I was a Christian but I wanted needed more. I needed to know him and I couldn't seem to get to where he was.
In the Summer of 2003, I joined the drama, dance, and choir that Mrs. K led. I met her whole family and they all knew Jesus. Especially her middle daughter. Seeing how they all worshiped and heard from Jesus, made me jealous. Like, It wasn't fair that they could hear and be with him and I couldn't!
Mrs. K and her family were so generous with me. They helped me so much. They taught me about Jesus. Mrs. K prayed with me. She prayed over my life. We had prayer meetings at her house where we would pray for our schools and families. She helped me understand hearing from Jesus and just how much he loved me, cared for me, and delighted in me.
Mrs. K was diagnosed with cancer. She went through chemo and then went into remission. Her once long raven colored hair was so short now but, it was growing. In 2017, all of Mrs K's hair grew back. All of her beautiful, long raven colored hair was back. It all grew back the moment she stepped into eternity.
Jesus wasn't real...
I knew that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, but, I didn't have a relationship with him. To me, he wasn't real. He seemed more like a legend rather than a living person. I wanted him to be real to me like he was for so many people that I knew. And then one day, it happened.
I was at my friend's youth group. We were all praying in groups. I had been praying everyday for weeks, "Jesus. please let me hear from you! Please let me hear your voice!" And I heard him. He said, "Pray for the boy over there." And I opened my eyes, and there was a boy praying in another group in front of my group. I said, "I can't pray for him. he'll think I'm weird. I don't even know his name." Jesus said, "His name is John."
I asked my friend, Sarah, to go with me. We went and I said, "I know this is weird but, Jesus told me to pray for you. What's your name?" He said, "John."
I stood back and was shocked and then my friend and I prayed with him. That was the first time, I've heard Jesus speak to me. It wasn't an audible voice. But, it was him. He spoke to me. I was shocked for quite some time after that. I couldn't believe that Jesus had actually spoke to me!
Hits and Misses..
I've had a few hits and misses since then (by a few I mean TONS). I go through periods of feeling like Jesus is on Pluto and I can't hear anything. And then I go through times when I can hear him so clearly. I've gotten things wrong. And I've gotten things right. And then there are still things I've heard and am waiting to come to pass. One thing remains certain though, Jesus is always, always speaking. If we but have the ears to hear.
Resources I have found helpful:
1. Build my life (Bethel, Brittany Mondesir)
2. Joshua 2 (Rahab Shelters the Spies)
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