F*@k Love!

I had the song called, Seek First  on repeat as I was writing this blog. It's a great song that will illuminate your reading. :)

Why don't you date, my dear?

This is the question I've been asked, in one form or another, for nearly a decade. Being a women pushing thirty and not dating is offensive to some and confusing to others. I've been told and asked numerous follow up questions. These questions range from, "Do you even like men?" to "Why are you so afraid of everything?"To the first one, I most certainly do. Exclusively. And to the second, I'll address later. But, let's back up.

I don't understand, Jim.

This is what my best friend said on the phone to her boyfriend after he broke up with her. We were in the sixth grade. And my best friend at the time, Mildred, was "dating" a guy named Jim (Yes, their names have been changed). Mildred and Jim had only been "dating" a week when his friends found out. And his friends didn't like it. So, before the bell rang one morning, Jim had broken up with her. She was devastated. I was hurt for her. She really liked him. So, she was at my house one night after we all went to the skating rink talking to Jim on the phone. She couldn't understand why he had broken up with her. Neither could I. 

Sixth grade was also the time a lot of my friends started "dating". I put dating in quotes because it wasn't really dating. It was much like what happened to Mildred and Jim. It was our first year of middle school and apparently that was the time to start dating. However, I saw what it was doing to my friends and I decided that I didn't want to date. Yes, I did have crushes and guys and wanted a guy to like me but, something was happening in my heart. 

I only want to date the guy that I marry

I realize how completely naive that may sound to some people. But, that's what I wanted. I only wanted to give my heart to the man that I married. How awesome would it be for him to know that I didn't have to give my heart away to anyone else but him?! 

I explained this to my friends and it was met with mocking and jokes. "No guy would ever date you. That's why you think that way." One "friend" even suggested that I get a makeover. Then guys would like me and I would stop thinking that way. I took this to my youth pastor at the time. I asked if I was strange for thinking this way. She said, "No. I want the same thing." She gave me some books to read on the topic of dating (Yes, one of the books was the book that the author now regrets writing). 

Theses books were a tremendous rescue for me. They really helped me anchor my heart in Christ. They gave me really great perspective. They helped me anchor my mind and set my intentions. My heart found peace there. This was especially helpful during a high school. Looking back at that time, I knew that it was what God has for me. 

I'm a grown up. I'll do whatever I feel like. 

The first guy I ever dated, I dated at age 22 and then at 23, I dated another guy. Both times, I could feel God telling me to wait on his timing. To wait. But, I didn't want to. I was tired of being different from my friends and tired of being lonely.  I said to myself, "I am a grown up and I'll do whatever I feel like doing." However, I could feel a literal heaviness lifting off my spirit after each relationship ended. And likewise, I felt the heaviness settle in when the relationships started. I knew it wasn't what God had for me. It wasn't his timing, his way, or his best for me.

Dating came at a cost for me.  My disobedience came at a cost. there was so much shame. This is not to say that I'm going to hell or that God doesn't love me. Nothing could be further from the truth. However, while I was dating, I couldn't hear Jesus. I couldn't pray. I never had times of deep worship like before. I still struggle with knowing the voice of God. And every so often I feel the shame of disobeying. Not nearly as much as I used to. Thank God. But, every once in a while, I'll feel it in the pit of my stomach.

A Learning Experience.

I've learned quite a bit from my disobedience. I've learned that there are worse things than being single. Like, disobeying God. Like being disconnected from Him. It's one of the worst feelings in the world feeling so far away from Him. Especially when I've walked with him, sat with him, and have been held by him. I don't know how to describe it. It's kind of like being under water and knowing that there is oxygen on the surface. But, you're afraid of giving up the sensation of drowning. 

I've also learned that my future marriage is about more than not being single. At least for me. I used to think that when I got married, that person would be the love of my life. And, it's not true. No one, no matter how ardent and dedicated, can love me like Jesus. And honestly, It's unfair to put that expectation on someone else. That is a set up for failure. But, perhaps the biggest thing I've learned is that I have no idea how to be loved. 

So, what do I do?

I have an easy time showing people that I love them. For me, it looks and sounds like offering encouragement, giving hugs, praying with people, and trying my best to be there for them. However, I don't know how to be loved. I have no idea how to accept love. I don't know how. I desperately want to be loved. I want to be cherished, held, and kept. But, I don't know how. To take it a step further, most of the time, I don't believe that I'm worth loving. 

I work very hard to prove that I'm worth loving. I've tried so many things to prove that I'm worth love. I've tried being perfect at my job. I've tried keeping everything in my house perfectly clean and in order. I have a college degree and at one point I was working 3 jobs. Almost everything I do, is to prove that I'm valuable and worth loving, dammit!

But, it's never enough. I can't do my job perfectly. I can't keep things perfectly clean. My college degree is all but worthless in the grand scheme of things. Nothing ever seems to make me worth loving. 

F^@k Love!

So, if I can't prove that I'm worth loving, then, I give up. If I have to jump through all of these hoops and still not be worth it. Then why do anything at all? Couple this with the fact that I was always taught that we are not really needed by God. I was taught that God doesn't really need humans. That he can do everything himself. God created me to love him and to worship him but his love wasn't genuine in return. And the only reason Jesus died on the cross was for me to worship him but I still wasn't necessary to him. Because He was just pretending. The only way to prove my worth was by what I could do for God. 

This is a very depressing, disheartening, and ultimately helpful place to be. 

I accept your love.

This is what I said to Jesus a few weeks ago. One of my favorite authors posted on her Facebook page "Have you stopped to ask God's opinion?" I responded much like I said above. I said, "I have no idea what to do or how to respond. I want to know that God loves me but I don't know what to do with it. So, she suggested that I ask and just wait to hear what God had to say. To just start there. 

Honestly, I didn't. I didn't think that it would work. But a few weeks later I tried it. I was laying in bed and I said out loud, "Jesus, I accept your love. I welcome it. I give you permission to love me." I felt stupid saying it. Like, God doesn't need my permission. But, he doesn't force his love on me.  And, I don't know how to describe it but, I've never felt such peace and contentment. I FELT loved. It was like I was at rest for the first time in a long time. 

More to come.

I am not saying that since that moment, Everything has been perfect. It hasn't NOT AT ALL. I still doubt my worth and value. I doubt that I'm loved. But, I know that God does love me. And, he doesn't get sick of telling me and showing me. And I love him for that.