Being a Whore: the Desert

If you haven't read my previous post, that would be a good place to start. It's part one and stories are better in order. (Rose and Jack on the plank makes no sense if you don't know how they got there)

I wanted to focus on how it looks being in the desert and how God is treating me and how I am (mostly) responding. I am not doing this perfectly at all. Last night was a great example of me not doing what God told me. However, I did want to point out a feature of Hosea 1 and 2 that I have come to understand as very important.

Yay, you're back...
As I was going through the study on Hosea from YouTube (I have it linked at the bottom of this post) that I mentioned in my last post, I came across something important. And, I sort of highlighted this in my previous post.

When I finally went back to trusting Jesus and fasting and praying, things didn't immediately get better. In fact, a lot of things got worse. I mean, I was completely stressed and things were still in shambles. And I sort of thought that once I was "back," everything would work out then and there. Don't get me wrong, things are working out. Promises and good things of God are coming. However, Jesus didn't immediately make things better. And all things still aren't "better" or where I want them to be. And, the reason behind it is so good.

My heart or my hand...
Jesus wants to know that I want him for him. Not for what he can give me or what I can get out of him. Don't get me wrong, God wants to bless me (and you) with good things. He LONGS to bless us that way. In fact, part of the reason (I believe) we were created was for God's pleasure. And God's pleasure is to be our own. But, I was so caught up in the things that I wasn't focusing on him. I wasn't focusing on his word. I honestly have read the Bible more these last 10 days then I did all of 2017. I was only seeking him to make things work out for me and to make my life easier.

Removing grace before allowing destruction...
God didn't have to allow complete and utter destruction to get my attention. It sure felt like it. It felt like everything I wanted and thought that I needed was being destroyed. But, it wasn't. Not even close. It's because of God's grace that I (and you) am able to breathe, wake up in the morning and not physically fall apart everyday (I take this for granted waaaay to often). Without God holding me and you together, we would literally fall apart. Without God giving us air, we would die. Without Jesus' life, we would have no hope. We can do NOTHING apart from God.

So, when things started to fall apart, it wasn't God allowing destruction. It was God removing a little of his grace. Not all of his grace. If that had happened, I wouldn't be writing this blog. Just enough grace to hurt. Just enough to get my attention. Just enough to feel the pain and return to him.

THIS IS A GOOD THING!!! God loves us enough to let us feel the pain, agony, hurt, shame, and defeat. He loves us enough to let us know, in a small measure, what life is like without him. And he does this so that we will return to him. And return I did.

Feeling the pain, but not condemned...
Self condemnation is something that I and many others feel. In fact for me, it's the thing that made me feel unworthy to go back to Jesus. I did. But, it was hard. I felt so ashamed of myself. I kept thinking, "How could I let this happen? I am a Christian! I've been on my walk with God for a little over 15 years. I know better. I'm such a failure. I'm so stupid. Why is God wasting his time?" And not only did I feel ashamed, there was pride there too. I was too proud to admit that I was wrong. Because, if I admit that I am wrong and that I need Jesus, DESPERATELY, then I'm admitting that I can't do things on my own. Which, I know that I can't. But, walking in that everyday and admitting that scares me. And couple on top of that the fact that this world seems to hold autonomy and independence above almost everything-you get the point.

One of the sweetest sentences ever...
"I don't condemn you for this." This is what Jesus said during prayer time recently. I was beating myself up over disobeying God years ago. What I did was wrong and I felt like I had been paying for it for years. I felt like this past disobedience was directly responsible for the issues I was going through. Partially, yes. But not mostly. And even if it was responsible for what I was going through,  that doesn't mean that Jesus condemned me. And Jesus doesn't condemn me.

When I heard those words, I said, "Really?!" He said, "No." I felt like a 270 lb weight was lifted from my soul and I could breathe for the first time in years. Like, I let out and audible sigh. Those are some of the sweetest words I've ever heard!

So, what does this have to do with the desert?!


The desert so far...
to refresh your memory, this is what God says in Hosea to about leading her (Israel) into the desert:

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do:
    I’m going to start all over again.
I’m taking her back out into the wilderness
    where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.
I’ll give her bouquets of roses.
   I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She’ll respond like she did as a young girl,
    those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

Hosea 2:14-15 (MSG)

The desert has been AWESOME so far. Don't get me wrong, it didn't start out that way. It didn't start out awesome and fun and exciting. And I can say awesome because it has been good for my spirit and soul. Yes, Jesus reminded me of beautiful times and I had giggles during worship. And times of deep soaking goodness with him. However, it has been difficult. It has been hard and a little embarrassing.

Like, having to do things without friends and co-workers. Eating lunch alone because I am working when everyone else is going to lunch. Coming home after work and not being "busy." I mean, I have multiple piles of laundry and an empty dresser that needs filled. But I'm not, "working three jobs" busy. Not watching television or Netflix. Not watching CNN or scrolling through MSN news at work for the better part of 2 hours. Giving up NPR. Turning off my cell phone ringer for a few hours at a time.

These things that I haven't been doing aren't bad things. Again, they are GOOD things. However, I was focusing on them and not God. So it's just me and God. And some Chinese food. But he's doing a good work. He is removing all my lovers that I went to in my whoring around.

All I have is him. I have been having to ask for strength and patience and forgiveness and hope and eyes to see how he sees. All of these are a blessing. But, I'm admitting my need for him and it's scary. He's also doing a new work. Here is what the rest of Hosea 2 says:

“At that time”—this is God’s Message still—
    “you’ll address me, ‘Dear husband!’
Never again will you address me,
    ‘My slave-master!’
I’ll wash your mouth out with soap,
    get rid of all the dirty false-god names,
    not so much as a whisper of those names again.
At the same time I’ll make a peace treaty between you
    and wild animals and birds and reptiles,
And get rid of all weapons of war.
    Think of it! Safe from beasts and bullies!
And then I’ll marry you for good—forever!
    I’ll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness.
Yes, I’ll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go.
    You’ll know me, God, for who I really am.

Hosea 2:16-20 (MSG)

God is getting rid of the names of the false god's from my mouth. There is a washing going on. He is betrothing me to himself. And, part of me never wants this to end. I am afraid of ending up where this whole thing started. But, I trust him.

Here are some resources that I have found helpful:

1. Hosea part 1 (hisservant77)
2. Reckless Love (Bethel Music)
3. Pieces (Bethel Music)