Being a Whore.

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.

    Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

    and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 

For your Maker is your husband—

    the Lord Almighty is his name—

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

    he is called the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54:5-6

"God gave me this scripture for you," said of friend of mine. This was 2013. And, while I thought it was beautiful and somewhat comforting, I wasn't in a place to receive it. Since I was given this scripture, I've thought about it a few times. I even asked the friend what the scripture was a few years later. But, it wasn't until the end of 2017 when I was in place to receive it.

A little more background...

2017 was a growing, fun year for me, overall. I was able to go to Colorado for a retreat that I had been wanting to go to for years. I had my ten year high school reunion. There was also loss. I lost a dear friend. But, Jesus has her. She is completely healed of the cancer that ravaged her body. And her hair is long and beautiful again. God also had some difficult words for me in 2017. Difficult for me. Not for him.

"You don't talk to me that way. I am God." This is what God said to me after I called him a liar and blamed him for the loss of my dear friend. And later in the year, after putting my hope in my church, friendships, my family, my work, and even my dreams and the promises of God instead of in him, God showed me that I had been whoring around on him. DIFFICULT WORDS. I want to focus there. I want to focus on whoring around on God. 

A prettier name...

Idolatry. That's the name Christians generally use when we talk about going to other things and people to fill us. However, I've noticed that Christians don't really talk about it. The name is pretty and doesn't sound nearly as bad as whoring. But when you strip away the pretty name, we see it and call it for what it is. Whoring. Or as The King James Version puts it, "Whoredom." And for me my whoring was sneaky. So sneaky, that I didn't even realize what I was doing until it all started to unravel before my eyes. 

My lovers are good things...

Church. Friendships. Family. Work. Promises of God. My future. My dreams. None of these are bad things. Are we not called to go to church and fellowship with other Christians? Are we not in need of friendships? Aren't we supposed to love and take care of our family? Are we not supposed to stand on the promises of God? Won't God give us a hope and a future if we seek him with all of our hearts? Doesn't God care about our dreams and love to see us when we walk in the fullness of our hopes and dreams? 

Yes. God wants good for me. He placed all of these things in my life. Good things. Good people. A good job/jobs. Breathtakingly beautiful promises. GOOD THINGS AND GOOD PEOPLE. But instead of worshiping and loving God, the one who gave me all of these things, I worshiped the things. And this is how it looked for me.

My lovers give me food, water, and comfort...

As, I said before, these things and people that I was whoring around with weren't bad things. And my whoring didn't start with me diving head long into giving them all of my time and energy. It started slowly. It usually does. 

Let's say I had a stressful day/week. I need some comfort. I need something to fill me. I'm running on empty (or close to it). Oh, I'm teaching Sunday school this week. Let me look over the lesson. Let me plan it out.

Afterward, I would feel great. Prepping my Sunday school lesson required me to read The Bible. I accomplished something! I didn't have to stress the night before about it. It was already done. THIS IS A GOOD THING.

So, the next time I have a tough day/week, I would do the same thing. Or, I would go to this Bible study, prayer group, watch this lesson online etc. DOING GOOD THINGS. However slowly, instead of seeking and worshiping God, I was seeking and worshiping a ministry or a prayer group or a bible study. I was substituting my relationship with Jesus for a thing. Instead of bringing him my stress and fears and empty tank, and letting him fill it with himself, I was bringing those things to a bible study or prayer group. Let's look at something a little more scandalous, shall we?

My job. In 2016-2017, I worked 2-3 jobs. It was stressful but it was a tremendous blessing. And, money is important. If I don't work, I can't pay bills, have a place to stay, or food to eat. You get the point. I was working 3 jobs! I wasn't just working one. I was getting things done! Making that money! I was special. I was important. Who I was became wrapped up in what I was doing for work. Soon, it wasn't Jesus I was thanking for my jobs. I was thanking my jobs for the money that I was making (not necessarily with words but with actions). I even watched YouTube videos about people talking about working 3 jobs and I felt like it was giving me life. Like, if I was having a bad day and didn't really want to work back to back jobs, I knew that it was satisfying me. Just the thought of it made me feel full. I couldn't wait until someone asked me what I did for a living so that I could brag, I mean explain what I did. It gave me joy. Until it didn't.

I searched for my lovers but I couldn't find them...

God being the jealous lover that he is, didn't let this go on for long. Soon, I started feeling unsatisfied. It no longer brought me joy to tell people about my 3 jobs. And, I was struggling under the weight of them. There were plenty of times that I would come home miserable from a job that I once found tremendous joy in. My church and people in it started to grate on my nerves to the point where I was going to leave. And my heart was unforgiving of perceived minor offenses. Friendships that were once the top of my priority list, no longer sated me. Focusing on my family brought worry, fear, anxiety, and too many sleepless nights. The promises, dreams, and future that God had spoken over me were like chewing on ashes. They brought no nourishment and left a bad taste in my mouth. 

I wish I could say that I came to my senses and turned back to him with a fierceness. I did not. In fact, at first, I doubled down. There had to be a way to make this work. I was doing and focusing on good things. Good people. Good hopes and dreams. If these things and people didn't work, I would try another combination of things until they did work. I was going to keep trying until it eventually worked. It never did. 

Let me get right with Jesus. Things were better then...

Christmas and the new year brought the straw that broke the camel's back. My church life, My family, my job, my friendships, my dreams, my hopes, the promises of God were literally falling apart. I couldn't save them. Now, to be fair, things are okay. I don't mean that I've lost everything. Nothing is ever really lost. But, things that I couldn't work my way through came up and there was nothing I could do. I started praying and fasting about them. 

I knew that it was better to be back with Jesus, seeking him and loving him then to do this on my own. I didn't want to ruin things more than I already had. And then I found him. It was more like, I heard what he had been saying the whole time. I had ears to hear. But not as before.

He took away the things that I put my hope in...

My job. The first of the 3 jobs fell apart early in the fall. Now, Christmas time is when the big bonuses come. I was trying to hold on til then. But, I couldn't. I literally could not work for the company anymore. Every time I went to complete work, I would forget to do part of it or just could not bring myself to do it all. I had to quit. The second job bit the dust just before Christmas. Again, I literally couldn't work anymore. I had to just give up. I still have one job.

Friendships. This one is the hardest. Co-workers and close friends just disappeared or I had to consciously say to them, "I can't. I've been seeing you as God and it's making me useless." or, "I can't go to lunch with you guys because then I don't get my work done after." I stopped seeing co-workers and friends because of it. And I suspect that they weren't at peace or at ease around me. Because I wasn't at peace or at ease in something solid.

My Church. I ended up getting sick early this winter. And then sick again. And then one final time I got sick. And I was missing church, and choir rehearsal, and to be quite honest, I was better for it. Not because I hate my church. But, I was looking for the act of going to church to fill me instead of who I was there to worship.

My family. Another tough topic. My parents, brothers and sisters, extended family etc. couldn't make me happy. In fact, knowing about their struggles and life started to give me anxiety and tremendous fear. It's not that I don't want to pray and know about their lives. I do. I still try to. But doing that in my own strength is IMPOSSIBLE.

The promises of God and hopes and dreams. I couldn't dream anymore. I literally went through A LONG period of time where I had no hopes and dreams and couldn't believe or hope in the promises of God. Or I clung so closely to all of them that I was useless to do other stuff like laundry.

He stripped me bare and everyone saw...

My whoring around was seen by everyone that I know. If you're reading this and you fall into one of the categories above, now you know why things got weird and bizarre.  I would get into arguments with people for no reason at all or because they seemed to be doing life better than me and I was jealous. or for any other dumb reason. I had a co-worker sit me down earlier in the year and say, "I'm really worried. What on earth is going on?" I couldn't explain it. My whoring was evident even though no one could call it by name (This went on for quite sometime. It wasn't like a day or a weekend. This went on for months). God called it by name. And he was putting me on display for all to see. And man, it hurt. But then on new year's, it happened.

He led me into the desert and he spoke tenderly to me...

God led me to my favorite bible verses, Hosea 2:14-15. My favorite version is The Message. And in The Message Hosea 2:14-15 reads, 

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do:
    I’m going to start all over again.
I’m taking her back out into the wilderness
    where we had our first date, and I’ll court her.
I’ll give her bouquets of roses.
    I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She’ll respond like she did as a young girl,
    those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

These have been my favorite verses for quite sometime. Especially verse 14. I never really read the first couple of chapters in the book of Hosea. I just liked that verse. However, God led me to it and then he led me to a teaching on YouTube. And it was talking about me. It was talking about what I was and had been doing to God. God has led me to a place where all I have is him. Nothing else is satisfying. Nothing and no one else will "do it" for me. And this is currently where I am. 

Jesus has given me so many precious memories from when I first started following him. When I wanted nothing more than him. He has given me songs I had forgotten about. (Do you remember/have you heard the songs "unashamed love" and "Meet with me" by ten shekel shirt). He has given me worship time full of giggling. (It's okay to giggle during worship! Especially when Jesus says something funny to you 😉). 

He's been giving me HIM. His presence, his life, his joy. 

I am learning to let God be my husband. I'll go more into detail in the next blog. I am in a place to receive it. I hope you are as well.

Here are some resources that I have found helpful: 

1. Hosea Part 1 (hisservant77)

2. King of my heart (Bethel music)

3. Unashamed Love (Ten shekel Shirt)

4. Meet with me (Ten shekel Shirt)